With a ruling in Ashcroft v. Reich, the medical marijuana case,
not due from the Supreme Court until this summer, many residents of
states with medical marijuana are concerned for their safety. Without
an official ruling about whether the federal government can rescue
helpless cannabis patients from their prescriptions, many residents
are deeply concerned.
"I have a pot plant growing in my backyard. It was prescribed to me
for glaucoma," Robert Thune, a cannabis patient, told the
Prometheus Times in an interview. "But now, I am so afraid it
might kill me. I need the DEA to get in here an eradicate it before
bad things happen. I mean like, I could start killing people, just
like that dude in Reefer Madness."
Typical of the federal government, the Justice Department, Drug
Enforcement Agency, Food and Drug Administration, National Guard,
Department of Health and Human Services, Department of the Interior,
and the Office of the President of the United States contributed on a
joint (no pun intended) letter that attempted to soothe the fears of
citizens in what will hereby be referred to as the Green States (pun
intended).
"Dear subjects,
"We know this is a difficult time for you. Many of you have marijuana
plants on your private property. The danger is real. But we urge you
not to panic. This IS an emergency, but don't panic. We will tell
you when to panic, but that time is not come. Instead, you can just
worry. Excessively.
"Anyway, be alert. Marijuana users can be anywhere. They often are
Arabic, stupid, Democrats, or teenagers. Beware of all of them, plus
anyone else who looks like they have ever touched a marijuana piece.
How do you know? You don't, so just guess. That's what we do when we
prosecute.
"Love, The US Government
The government also released a Pot Propaganda Greatest Hits DVD, which
is a compilation of the most amusing anti-marijuana propaganda the
government has put out over the last century. The most popular is the
gem, "Marijuana causes white women to seek sexual relations with
Negroes." (This one is true, look it up)
No word on whether the Green States will declare a state of emergency
until law and order (read: federal intervention) is reinstated. The
Bush Administration, however, has thrown its support behind such a
move.
"Pot is an evildoer," said President Bush in a press conference about
the issue. "And we will prevail."
