Get Real
Why today's libertarians get no respect -- and how to help them get some Marty Beckerman
Like many others who abhor the politics of Jesus Freaks and Stupid Hippies with equal vigor, I was drawn to libertarianism because it pissed off everyone:
- Are you a religious fundamentalist? Under libertarianism you can’t impose your theology on anyone other than your poor, not-yet-suicidal children.
- Are you an ethnic, religious or sexual minority? Under libertarianism you can’t silence other people’s senses of humor simply because you don’t have one of your own.
- Are you overweight or addicted to nicotine? Under libertarianism you have no one to blame—and no one to sue—but yourself, you slovenly reckless bastard.
Yes, under libertarianism the world is free of authoritarian bitching. However, there’s no such thing as “under libertarianism,” and there never will be, for one simple reason: pure libertarian economics are galaxies away from the American mainstream. Although many Americans—especially the young folks—are receptive to the live-and-let-live philosophy (“do whatever you want as long as you don’t harm anyone else”), the vast majority find hardcore social Darwinism ludicrous. If libertarians want to extend their reach beyond the stoner ghetto, they must accept the fact that civil rights are far more vital than sparing billionaires from inheritance taxes.
“Anarcho-capitalists,” “minarchists” and other dogmatists overwhelmingly dominate the libertarian discourse. Moderate libertarians have no chance of influencing public policy until they completely disassociate from these economic extremists. (I originally used the word “purge” instead of “disassociate from,” but then I decided that it was too Stalinist, but then I thought, “Is there really such a thing as too Stalinist? Isn’t that like saying ‘too Pocky’ when discussing the wonderful Japanese treat, or ‘tooMasi Oka’ when discussing the wonderful Japanese treat?)
Anarcho-capitalism is a bizarre, radical vision in which corporations would replace the world’s governments and serve all legislative functions. If you want to leave your residence, you pay a fee; if you want to walk in the park, you pay a fee; if you want to borrow a book from the library, you pay a fee; if you want to do anything, you pay a fee because there is no such concept as “public.” Of course, we already pay taxes for roads, forest management and sultry 23-year-old librarians who keep their glasses on during sex in the microfiche room, so does it matter if they’re called “taxes” or “fees”?
Under anarcho-capitalism landlords would become dictators; movement would require money: there would be no public roads, no public forests, no public oceans. No police, no firefighters and no courts—at least, no public security, no public services and no public justice. (No public toilets either; how much will our corporate overlords charge us to relieve ourselves, or—if you’re a Republican congressman—relieve yourself inside your fellow men?)
It sounds like a joke, or an excruciating novella for “Contemporary Issues in Futurist Fiction 101,” but thousands of serious people in the libertarian camp share this ridiculous daydream. Whether you like it or not, if you describe yourself as a libertarian without a litany of qualifiers, you’re endorsing these delusions.
Anarcho-capitalist pioneer Murray Rothbard made many good points about the evils of authoritarianism (“[i]t is in war that the State really comes into its own: swelling in power, in number, in pride, in absolute dominion over the economy and the society”), but he loathed the concept of authority—even justified authority—with such passion that he envisioned “a society based purely on voluntary action, entirely unhampered by violence or threats of violence.” Instead of laws, a “legal code which would be generally accepted…” Seriously, Murray, millions of people don’t accept the laws that actually exist; why would they accept the ones that don’t?
Prominent anarcho-capitalist David Friedman elucidates: “[T]he systems of law will be produced for profit on the open market, just as books and bras are produced today. There could be competition among different brands of law, just as there is competition among different brands of cars.” He concedes that the effectiveness of such a system “remains to be proven.” There is a reason for its unproven status: it’s fucking asinine.
Members of the “Old Right,” who condemn FDR and Lincoln as tyrants instead of liberators, slap the label “statist” on their opponents—even moderate libertarians—but a third grader could better explain how the law works:
Sometimes other kids try to steal your lunch money, but if they get caught they go to the vice principal and get punished. The threat of “violence” (read: detention), which the indisputable authority imposes, keeps bullies in line. (There is no “mutually agreed upon legal code based purely on voluntary action.”) Should the bullies attack when the vice principal isn’t around to save your butt, that’s why God invented firearms.
Part of growing up is shedding your impracticable youthful idealism. Life isn’t fair; people get screwed. Assholes are most likely to succeed in business, not Ayn Rand’s principled superheroes. Santa Claus doesn’t exist, but the government does. You have to pay taxes, often for very good reasons. Privatization would make certain goods and services—roads, courts, etc.—absurdly complicated. Public schools are necessary for civilization. Industries need regulations to thrive and benefit society. A public toilet is not an outpost of communism, although it’s quite possibly an outhouse of communicability.
If the current administration has taught us anything, it’s that policy realism is paramount for our age. We cannot remake the world in the image of our utopian fantasies; humans are limited and imperfect, which is something that conservatives are supposed to acknowledge. Anarcho-capitalists despise the government but romanticize, idealize and idolize the corporation, forgetting that many businesses also suffer from gross ineptitude, corruption, cronyism and thuggish intimidation.
Not only do anarcho-capitalists forget these facts, they would paralyze the one thing—the law—that keeps predatory conglomerates in check, and they would even give CEOs the powers of judges. Anarcho-capitalists aren’t anarchists whatsoever; they’re simply people who would prefer their dictators to hold MBAs instead of political science degrees. Gordon Gekko for Der Fuhrer.
The ‘00s should have also taught us that libertarianism has nothing to do with modern conservatism’s bloodthirsty, religio-pathic totalitarianism. If libertarians actually want to lobby for greater personal freedom, instead of bullshitting over bong hits and Wikipedia entries, they need to get over their childish fears of non-dictatorial government institutions (libraries, swimming pools, the DMV, etc.), cease their bootlicking toward the ultra-wealthy, and create a new coalition with centrists and moderate liberals who care about civil liberties, free speech, the separation of church and state and the dangers of unhinged militarism. They need to make nice with the Stupid Hippies, which shouldn’t be difficult with all the bong hits.
Yes, the extreme P.C. left is just as draconian as the extreme religious right—and the ‘90s scared many libertarians away from the Democratic Party forever—but the U.S. is moderating after years of right-wing lunacy. The pendulum is finally returning to the center, and if there is no effort to pioneer a new fusionism with a generation of liberaltarians, then libertarianism will remain a useless, sidelined joke forever.
So there it is; I’m a “statist.” Oooooooooh. You got me. At least when I spend countless hours fantasizing about something that will never happen, it involves that sultry brunette librarian… and her sister…
The above work is the opinion of the author, and not necessarily that of the Prometheus Institute.
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