A: It is a clothing company that sells, to non-Californians, clothing proclaiming one's citizenship in, adoration of, and ubiety in the State of California. If you live in a state that is not California, you likely have seen Hollister clothing worn by your local female high school population. If you live in California, you likely have never heard of Hollister. However, the only constant is the fact that it may be the biggest travesty in human history.
You should have noticed the following:
a) Clothing indicating a mendacious California residency, sold to impressionable youth in such sun-kissed and surf-happy places as West Des Moines, Iowa; Lincoln, Nebraska; Provo, Utah; Louisville, Kentucky and Lafayette, Indiana.
b) A savings card dubbed "Club Cali," whose slogan consists of the rhetorical, "Do you belong?"
c) The description of California as "Cali," in general
d) Clothing representing various Southern California towns such as Laguna Beach, Newport Beach, La Jolla, and others that presumably the customers will never visit in the spans of their entire lives.
e) A virtual "tour" of Venice Beach consisting of an unmanned unicycle passing two-dimensional roller-bladers commenting in speech bubbles, "We're boogie'n, havin' a good time!" No, I can't make this shit up.
Basically, it is an obsession with California, or "Cali," as Hollister prefers.
Now, no one within the California state border calls California "Cali," but apparently everyone else does. From now on, I am going to call my state "Cali." You ask, why would I sponsor such intellectually vacuous diction? Because, infidel, to understand how like totally infinitely radical cool California is, you must start by calling it Cali.
And when you start calling California Cali, you naturally succumb to an elongated concatenation of 72-degree events which lead you, invariably, to the Hollister website with parental credit card in hand.
The site is brilliantly spliced into two sections: Dudes and Bettys. For you non-Californians, Dudes are males and Bettys are females. This is actually the nomenclature the Golden State uses on a regular basis. In fact, on my birth certificate, it reads the following:
"Name: Matthew Harrison
Sex: Dude"
That's actually all it reads, because in Cali, there are no other distinctions necessary in life. You are a Dude or a Betty; you live in Cali or you don't. Our bathrooms are actually required, by state statute, to abandon the traditional "Men" and "Women" signs in favor of "Dude" and "Betty" signs that also happen to be adorned with cute little palm trees and surfboards. Everywhere. Even the schools.
And speaking of schools, Justin informed me that it would be profitable for Hollister to produce shirts not glorifying the state, not the cities, not even the people, but the Public School Systems.
Yes, that's right. He and I are coruscant examples of the Cali public school system, where all we do is surf for grades. The name of this educational empyrean is the Saddleback Valley Unified School District, or "SVUSD" in the hip Cali slang.
Imagine it, Hollister is unveiling their new product lines with the pomp and circumstance of Steve Jobs unveiling the new iMac, except Hollister does it on the beach, as tanned surfers whip out the newest overpriced fashion creation for the adoration of pasty Midwesterners.
"Introducing a product that will revolutionize the Cali Cult around the world," announces the surfer CEO, "Public Education themed shirts!"
*lustful applause*
I apologize for the digression. When you and everyone you know is a professional surfer, it is difficult to develop the writing skills necessary to do what I am trying to do here. What am I trying to do here? Well, I'm not sure.
Anyway, let's take a tour of the site.
The site is filled with Authentic Cali Gear, which means it is clothing that we Californians wear on a daily basis. The dialogue among us generally goes like this:
Dude 1: Dude, you are like totally wearing a Hollister shirt. Are you from Cali?
Dude 2: Yeah, dude, totally.
Dude 1: Wow, that's super awesome, dude.
Dude 2: Dude, you are from Cali too, dude.
Dude 1: Oh, dude, totally yeah! I took a narly wipeout the other day in Surf 101 and almost forgot!
Betty 1: [interjecting] You dudes are hot. Your skin is tan, you surf daily, and you have totally rad shirts chronicling your hometowns.
Dude 1: Yeah, Betty, but everyone here is tan, surfs daily, and wears this totally rad Hollister gear.
Betty 1: Dude, that's totally true.
Jealous? Thought so. Lucky for you, however, Hollister is bringing this elevated dialogue (and the clothing that inspires it) to the other 49 states.
Totally awesome!
J. Hartfield:
Rapper Nelly once said:
I'm rollin past his
This lil Jag and Benz
With the rose
Not the one with the stem
The one with the rims
The one that seems to make more enemies than friends
These are the truest words I've ever heard.
Now on to my response to H-Wood's post.
Listening to what you tell me about these other 'inferior' states, and their wanton lust of our 'beach' culture, I can only think about one thing: The hit late 80s TV children's sitcom, Saved by the Bell.
Imagine if Hollister sponsored a SbtB episode...
The scene opens in class with A.C., Screech and the biatches all sitting around one another. Zach enters the room and sits down next to A.C.
Zach: 'Sup, fag.
AC: Nuthin', homo.
Zach: Are you going to Surf 101 today?
AC: Nah man, Club Cali meeting.
Zach: You're such a fag. Why do you sit like that anyway?
AC: Huh?
Zach: You are supposed to put your back on the back board, not wrap your arms around it.
AC: This is a fad that will never get old! (Author's note: Anyone that is caught sitting in his chair backwards is now hereby referred to as "Slater.")
The ladies - Kelly, slutty Elizabeth Berkley, and the black chick - convene for lunch at The Max.
Kelly: I can't believe how pale she is!
Black Chick: Me neither! Where is she from, Wisconsin?
Slutty Elizabeth Berkley: Hehe!
Max: Can I show you ladies a trick?
Kelly: Sure Max!
Max: I can make these common ordinary Guacamole burgers... TURN IN TO SURF BOARDS! A flash of light and then smoke fill The Max. The smoke dissipates to reveal three surfboards.
Black Chick: Let's go surfing!
Kelly: Wicked awesome Betty!
Slutty Elizabeth Berkley: Hehe!
J. Treece:
Mmmmmm, nothing like waking up to a sub-arctic morning in Des Moines, Iowa and deciding what your trendy, thematic clothing presentation will be.
For what it's worth, no one gives a shit.
It's so funny how a company can capitalize on popular (albeit coma-inducing) shows such as the masterful "Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County" and of course, everyone's favorite, "The OC". But what amazes me is that a clothing company as unbelievably gay as Hollister has somehow, someway, deemed itself the official clothing ambassador and mystic knower-of-all-things-hip for not only California but also the rest of the known universe.
How then can one hope to elevate oneself out of their current social drudgery in Pocatello High School's (Go Spuds!!!) cliquish social environment?
Duh...everyone knows that to be a totally radical Dude or a very attractive and popular young female (oops, my bad, a Brazen Beach Betty) then of course you have to wear a shirt that says "You should ask me out" or "Beefcake".
Yes, the key to your continued happiness and that of those around you is to pretend like you have even a vague idea where Catalina or Venice Beach is and then buy clothes that really bring out the pastiness of your swimmin'-hole surfer physique.
Why? Because, like, I watched this one episode of Laguna Beach and like, they showed this really hot guy and, like, he was so gorgeous and, like, he saw that one chick walking by the beach and, like, he totally asked her out because, like, she was wearing this cute little Hollister shirt and these super cute Hollister pants with a matching Hollister purse and Hollister sandals. And then, like, she totally said yes because he was wearing Hollister too. So, like, that's why I stole my dad's credit card and, like, now I'm totally decked out in this totally radical Hollister gear. But, I couldn't get the sandals because there's, like, 2 feet of snow outside...
Fear not, that's just your gag reflex kicking in attempting to purge you of malignant marketing growth attached to your wallet. Hollisterosis is indeed a debilitating illness. However, there is a cure. Once the onset of symptoms occur, typically characterized by hallucinations of snow banked beaches or interjection of the words "radical", "totally bodacious", and "Dude or Betty", please immediately slap yourself once on each cheek and look around. You are not, nor ever will be in Cali and even if you were, you are living a demented, TV-executive-induced fantasy of what California may or may not look like depending on which drugs you have taken. Please, we can fight this together. You are not alone.
