The first emotion that was draping my sensibilities after the show ended was the ineluctable feeling that not only had I wasted a valuable portion of my life, but executed a fatal error in the system of my life. It was somewhere between a frontal lobotomy and a crack addiction.
The dialogue is as beautiful as the scenery.
Blonde girl 1 (the names are completely irrelevant): "If you and Stephen ever had babies, they'd be so good looking."
Blonde girl 2: "They would, 'cause Stephen's all tan."
Sigh.
We also are treated to Blonde Girl 1's new house on top of a very large hill overlooking the beach. As he protagonist (the uber-douche, Stephen) shrewdly observes, "This reminds me of the houses on The O.C."
Of course, he meant to say The Real Orange County.
The perpetual music is another arresting feature of this dramatic masterpiece. In some sort of tacit admission that the plot of this putative reality show is boring enough to serve as elephant tranquilizer, three seconds must not elapse without a surf rock song being laid over the brilliant dialogue.
Not only are we cooler than you in The Real Orange County, but our lives are set to music, too. Take that, bitch!
Our spoiled teen superheroines plan a Black/White party. They all congratulate themselves on their socialite creativity. The party is a rousing success, with the LB tribe standing around and pretending to be really, really fucking cool. Oh yes, you non-LBers can hang out. But can you hang out in a hotel room charged to daddy's AmEx, listen to Black Eyed Peas (oh, the originality!), look good, all the while being clad in black and white? Oh, didn't think so.
MTV's website also does its part to glorify our hometown. It offers a 46-picture 'tour of Laguna,' gushing over everything there is (not) to do in the homosexual and soporific Laguna Beach. One of the great captions is, "The PCH runs through town - and then some." First, it's PCH, not the PCH. Second, it runs the length of the entire state of California. Morons.
*****
J. Hartfield:
So...
Did you like it, Hollywood?
Har har.
First, members of Laguna Beach High School or LBHS are known by their school mascot. Which is, of course, the Artists. No, I can't make this shit up.
Secondly, let me say this before-hand, because I want to clear the air: I went out of my way to watch this show at its original air date, because I was so intrigued with its simple premise. A really "real" reality show. Not seven strangers picked to live in a house, that is artificial realness, a situation like that does not come up like that in "real life" and thus the viewer already knows that the emotions and problems that would arise from a setting such as that one would be somewhat foreign. So this idea of a "more real" reality show enticed me. That and hot underage Laguna Beach hotties. Additionally, after my initial viewing of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County, I demanded that Wood see the show on one of the thousands of shameful re-runs MTV runs of its original programming. With my glowing endorsement, he obliged.
"The first emotion that was draping my sensibilities after the show ended was the ineluctable feeling that not only had I wasted a valuable portion of my life, but executed a fatal error in the system of my life."
Clearly, Matt, you watch very little reality TV. You must learn to embrace this feeling with open arms as it is your gateway into the enlightenment. Reality TV programming on MTV has many lessons to teach you, you just have to enter the bright lights...
Lesson 1: Laguna Beach is the place Cortez was searching for, when he heard that the streets were lined with gold.
Is everyone that resides in Laguna Beach wealthy? Of course not, stupid. That's a stupid question. Stupid.
Is everyone worth watching in Laguna Beach wealthy? Oh you better believe it, Jack! In this strange new world of "real" reality TV in which MTV is forging, there are two types of people: 1) Rich & Beautiful and 2) Beautiful & Rich. Nobody wants to see ugly poor people on the TV, if you don't believe me, just ask Roseanne.
Lesson 2: Your life would be better with a soundtrack and you know it.
Imagine you are lying pool side in your glorious Laguna Beach mansion, overlooking the mighty Pacific. It's a weekday and you left school during lunch and never bothered to show up again. Your parents are working during the day, in order to maintain the lifestyle you currently enjoy.
All of a sudden a song about how cool you are is playing from invisible speakers.
How tight would that shit be, Wood? Answer: Very.
But I digress.
The 'plot' of the first episode of Laguna Beach is relatively simple (cheap shot: much like the 'characters' themselves). A popular, attractive, and affluent blonde is throwing a "Black & White" party (popular to contrary belief, parties are not made to celebrate events, but vise-versa, think about it). The goal of the party is to entice super stud Laguna Beach player Stephen to only sleep with her, rather the other equally attractive, popular, and affluent blonde in which Stephen is currently having intercourse with. That's about as complicated as its gonna get here folks, but boy, oh boy, are those thirty minutes leading up to (and eventually at) the party fun.
Although the footage of the party is brief, I have seen more than enough of it for it to bring back memories of high school days gone by. Laguna parties for the most part, contain no alcohol or drugs of any sort. Yes, not even pot.
