Driving is not a right. It is a privilege. It is a privilege here in America to have so many paved roads. I mean really think about this now, how many "named" roads are there in the US? Rough estimates have it somehwere between, "a grip" and "a shitload." As a good American I feel its necessary to drive as many of these roads as possible. And as a good American I feel it is also of critical importance that I traverse said roads in the most efficient way possible.
Efficiency is a measurement worked produced per work spent. And if my efficiency formulas relate Speed per Dollars spent, then it would make sense to buy the fastest, cheapest car possible. To avoid any further mystery, I present you with the answer. Actually, thats no fun. How about a couple hints:
1) It's a domestic.
2) It has forced induction.
Scratching your head?
3) Its a B-U-I-C-K
4) Its a 1987 Buick Grand National, Stupid.
3.8 Liters of TurboCharged fury. The flying Brick aerodynamic design. It will run low 11s for about $900 and 10s for about $2300. Consistently. By the by, here is the scale 'Wood and I came up with one long 4th period day in 2002 when people on automotive message boards claim their ride is a "Daily Driver." Below is a list of 1/4 mile times and a translation telling you what car are you really driving:
15s: I tell people my car is fast, but I know a new Accord could 0WN me. 14s: Your ride has intake, exhaust, and no cat. You also usually tell people your bucket is fast. If you are a wooden Italian puppet, your nose would grow. 13s: Probably the most comfortable medium between performance and daily usability. Your car is fast enough to smoke a new Boxster. Really, what more could you ask for? 12s: Most gentlemen you find claiming their ride is a 12 second daily driver have a much, much different definition of the term "daily driver." They think daily driving means a carburetor rebuild every month, or changing their oil once every other week. That is NOT daily driving. Drivers have to be the model of reliability, think late 80s Jaguar... Then think about the opposite of that. 11s: Sorry, dude. This 'aint happening. No way, no how. Unless your shit says Supra on the back you are going to be spending about two grand every couple months just on CARB legal cheaters alone. And that 'aint cool. 10s: Bahahahhahahahahahahahahhaahah.HAHAHHAHAAHAHHAAHHAAHHA. hahahaahahahaha. woo 10 second daily driver. hahaha.... hah... BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
The Buick Grand National harkens back to a time when American cars sucked fat donkey testes. Not only were they incredibly unreliable, looked boxy and awkward, and were wholly unsafe, they were ssssslow. Out of the Cadillac Cimarrons & Plymouth Sundances came the 1986 Buick Regal Turbo & its all black exterior cousin called the Grand National. It stood for luxury, performance, and technology. Featuring a 3.8 Liter V6 Turbocharged and Intercooled, the Turbo Regal was regarded as one of the only bright spots in terms of Domestic performance in the pre-OBD-II but post California Smog Legal era. Car and Driver reported a 4.9 second 0-60 *BONE STOCK* and the Turbo Buick was deemed the "Fastest US Production Car of 1987." Efficiency in the form of a vehicle, also known as the American Dream.
In the best car review (April '86 of Automobile Magazine) ever written, noted libertarian P.J. O'Rourke wrote, "The GN is not heir to the muscle cars, those stripped econmy coupes jammed with raw engine. Instead, it's a descendant of the great luxury performance monstrosities, like the 4000-pound 1964 Buick Wildcat with 401 cubic inches of V-8." The cars had power everything options in addition to eight speaker concert sound, PowerMaster brakes (they were better at the time), and a fuel economy approaching the mid-twenties on the freeway.
Buick Grand Nationals can be found mostly at night in most warn climate areas (ala the only ones we at PI actually care about) due the superior air density and colder temperature. Be wary however, GN's don't race Civics, they race Supra's and Vipers.
MH:
Yes, Justin, your patriotism is admirable. However, believe it or not, driving American cars is not one of the most American activities you can do.
A true American simply does not patronize the best products produced within this great nation. Rather, he holds himself to a higher standard and buys the best the world can produce. Unless we are speaking of music (independent, mostly), computers (Apple, or to the delusional, Microsoft), or political commentary (Prometheus Institute, only), you will find America does not always produce the best in the field. However, the true patriot knows that the pursuit of the best is superior to the pursuit of something that is simply domestic.
And when a reasonable individual views the automotive landscape, he discovers there is one vehicle that transcends the rest. It is a vehicle that represents the apogee of engineering brilliance and the only car product deserving of its marketing slogan, The Ultimate Driving Machine.
Yes, I am speaking of the BMW M3.
The simplistic and childish juxtaposition of these two vehicles within the scope of Justin's myopic criteria for automotive excellence, straight-line speed and cost, is something very few people will do. You see, there are more factors one must consider.
The most obvious example of one of these factors are the problems M3 owners face as opposed to the problems Grand National owners face.
M3 Owner: My carbon fiber splitter is scraping every driveway I pull into, and I have to walk half a block to go to my friends' houses. Also, I can't decide if I should paint my custom roll cage Dakar Yellow to match my exterior, or black to match my German leather. Should I shave my M3 and Dinan badges, so that the incredible performance of my vehicle now becomes inconspicuous?
GN Owner: Well, I just threw four rods. I also have cockroaches coming out of the cracks in between my vinyl seats that I vainly attempted to repair with strips of duct tape. My SMOG guy tells me pollution from my vehicle actually kills four endangered species every minute. Oh yeah, I also suffer the indignity of owning a Buick.
You see, Justin, the nocturnal habits of the Grand National are not just an artifact of performance preferences, although you certainly do an effective job at pretending that's the case. However, the major reason is that it is just plain ugly.
As another distinction, I am now going to discuss the superlative aesthetics of the ///M vehicles. These things are beautiful, and modifications only enhance it. Nothing is prettier than a clean M3, lowered with a splitter, driving slowly around a parking lot with its angel eyes illuminated.
There are too many ugly things in the world to add to the pollution with the purchase of a Buick Grand National.
These are perquisites of the twenty-first century, Mr. Hartfield. There is technology available now on BMW vehicles that improves one's life. Yes, you can speed in your Grand National. But we live in a place called Southern California where it has been known, from time to time, to see traffic jams on the freeways. What then? Your 4000-pound expense account for the Saudi Royal Crown is shaking and sputtering on the 5, while the passengers in the M3 are sitting in their heated, nappa leather seats...the sunroof is open, and the iPod is playing on the harmon/karmon stereo.
Let's not forget another privilege. Curved roads! Here, as much of the country, we're blessed with hills and curved roads. In fact, driving from residence to residence, we see more curved residential roads than straight, wide-open freeways. Why own a car enjoyable only on straights, when with an M3 every trip, even to the grocery store, is an adventure in itself?
Justin, you should know these things. Do you forget the meaning of the M? The reason you don't see Buick Regal owners clamoring to paste fake Grand National badges on their trunklids is simply because the GN doesn't represent something to which to aspire. The M3 is the ultimate vehicle. If cars were people, the M3 would be the kid every parent wishes he/she had. The Grand National is the equivalent of the high school dropout.
