How To Avoid Unnecessary Conflict With Traffic Law Enforcement
Helpful Citizen

We all know that nearly all traffic laws are unnecessary invasions into the personal liberties of drivers everywhere. We know that they are a violation of a natural extension of our unalienable rights as individuals, and that from time to time, a little civil disobedience is on the order. Now, we're not comparing ourselves with Martin Luther King, Jr., but hell, you've gotta stand for principles sometimes. So, without legal condonation, here is our How To for avoiding run-ins with the 5-0.

1. Detection is good.
Get a Valentine 1 and a decent laser jammer. The latter is illegal, but as of now, cops can't detect them like they can radar jammers. Your Valentine 1 will pick up radar reflected from cars in front of you, so you have time to slow to a legal speed before he gets you. However, laser is a thin beam that doesn't reflect superfluously, so if your V1 detects it, you just got nailed. The jammer comes in here, as it gives you a few seconds of blissful invisibility on his laser gun while you slow your ass down.

2. License plates are not always necessary.
If you own a relatively new car, live in a state where it is legal to drive around with paper dealer plates (California, for one) you should consider keeping your paper plates on for a while. It keeps you anonymous when you are dipping through traffic with the appearances of reckless abandon. When the people driving next to you start calling the highway patrol, having no plates slows their ability to find you and ticket you for aggressive driving. Plus, it looks better.

3. Be prepared, legally speaking.
If you are a speeding enthusiast, you are already watching for the long arm of the law. If you modify your vehicle, you are even more acutely aware of the state statutes you are violating every time you pull out of your driveway. Know the laws you are violating, and be ready to defend these things in court.

4. Make friends with some cops.
This isn't easy to do, but if you happen to have a non-traffic related and benign interaction with law enforcement, try to make some friends. If they know you respect them, you can improve your chances of avoiding prosecution.

5. If you're pulled over, RESPECT!
The cop is doing his job. Don't ever treat him with anything but the respect that should be given to someone who a) represents the law and b) risks his life on a daily basis to save yours. You disagree with the laws being used to indict you, not the man who is enforcing them.

6. Remember the spots.
Every town has the perennial speed trap spots. Avoid them, or go slow in them. The same goes for school zones. If you speed in a school zone, you deserve to get a ticket.

7. When all else fails, gun it.
Don't be O.J. Simpson, but if a cop sees you engaging in a ridiculously and conspicuously illegal move on the road, you are best served to gun it out of there. As long as you get away before he hits the lights on you, or if a reasonable person in your situation would not know he is about to be pulled over (in this case, the stupidity of the average person is your friend), you can run and it's not illegal. Have a path in mind wherever you are. Take that path. Turn often but remember to change direction. You'll get caught if you take every right turn you see, because that's what a cop will do if he loses you. In this case, do what the average person wouldn't. Try to end up in a garage of a friend. Don't ever get on a freeway or a large street. If worse comes to worse, park in someone's driveway. It beats getting chased by a helicopter.